


some sense of shelter

by Ninyaaaaaaah



Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: Alcohol Abuse, Anal Sex, Drug Use, Grief, I think that's everything, Implied Character Death, M/M, Major character death - Freeform, Non Linear Narrative, Oral Sex, Orgy, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, idk - Freeform, it's all rather vague, this is a mess
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-08
Updated: 2018-07-08
Packaged: 2019-06-07 00:37:34
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 974
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15206963
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ninyaaaaaaah/pseuds/Ninyaaaaaaah
Summary: Aaron thinks about how he never got to be a part of anything, how he held himself back, kept himself aloof, let his fingertips do all the wanting in the world, but never let them touch.“I have no right,” he whispers.





	some sense of shelter

**Author's Note:**

> title is from 'miss america' by carolina liar

Aaron stands alone at the back of the church. His shaking hands hold each other tight. He leans against the cool stone wall and he swallows his ragged breathing, he swallows his heart. 

Up front, John’s father talks, words that flow over and around Aaron like he’s not even really here. 

John’s sister sits in the front pew, holding the hand of a younger child who looks just like John. She sobs into her free hand, and Aaron bites down hard on his lower lip. Aaron tastes blood and he tastes regret and he tastes wasted seconds, wasted minutes, wasted hours. He tastes grief he has no right to feel, and he licks it all away and it doesn’t go down easy. 

He shakes with the effort of staying still, staying quiet, staying here. He wants to howl, wants to tear up the floorboards, fling himself down on the unyielding ground. 

-

John always hit him so hard. Big mouthed, bigger hearted. 

Where he would have seen weakness in anyone else, in John he saw ragged, raw edged strength. 

-

Aaron presses the heels of his hands into his eyes and wishes he didn’t know how it felt to suffocate. 

When he opens them again, Lafayette is twisted in his pew, staring at Aaron. Their eyes meet, and Aaron feels like he’s drowning, feels like he can’t breathe, wants to mouth ‘help’...

But what could Lafayette do?

-

It was Herc who told him. Herc who pulled him aside in the library and gave him the news. Herc who offered a hug and said nothing when Aaron just stood there, trembling and breaking apart on the inside, smooth as stone on the outside. 

It’s Herc who gives him a bottle of water, who gives him his phone number, who tells him to call if he needs anything. 

It’s Herc, of course, who understands that everyone wears their grief differently. 

-

Aaron stands outside on the curb and doesn’t know what to do next. There’s ice water in his veins and a fire in his lungs and he can’t breathe around all the things he wants. 

-

It’s Herc who pulls up in front of him and stops the car. 

Alex throws open the back door and scoots over.

“Get in,” he says. His eyes are red rimmed and puffy. His face looks like a warzone. 

Aaron gets in.

-

Alex draws spots on Lafayette’s arm while he sleeps, bottom lip in his unforgiving teeth, sharpie in his stained fingers. 

Lafayette wakes up and looks at his arm and whispers ‘what the fuck,’ and Alex breaks down sobbing. 

“Oh Alexander,” Lafayette whispers, soft and broken. He reaches for the vodka instead of for Alex. 

-

Aaron falls asleep with his head in Herc’s lap. 

Wakes up still there, thin blanket haphazard over him, Herc’s hand resting lightly on the back of his neck. 

Aaron thinks about how he never got to touch John’s face, never got to kiss the soft hollow at the base of his throat, never made good on the heated glances they’d shot each other in the halls between classes. 

Aaron thinks about how he never got to be a part of anything, how he held himself back, kept himself aloof, let his fingertips do all the wanting in the world, but never let them touch.

“I have no right,” he whispers.

“You have every right,” Herc says back, and his fingers dig down, just a little, into the soft flesh of Aaron’s neck. 

Aaron’s breath catches, and even with permission, he doesn’t know how to own his grief.

-

When Alex sinks down onto Aaron’s fingers it’s all heat and wet and desperate need, and it’s Aaron whose hips buck, Aaron who comes in his pants and bites his lower lip to keep from crying out. 

-

Aaron watches a little blue pill appear in Lafayette’s long fingers as if by magic. 

Lafayette catches him watching and rolls the tablet between his thumb and forefinger. 

“Want one?” he asks. 

Wordless, mouth open with want, Aaron nods. 

-

Aaron climbs into the back seat next to Alex and they drive away. Alex shifts over, straddles Aaron’s lap, and buries his face in Aaron’s neck. 

Aaron threads his fingers into Alex’s hair and takes a deep, shuddering breath. 

He catches Herc’s eye in the rearview. 

-

Aaron lets Herc fuck him while Alex watches, hungry eyed, lips wet with need. 

Aaron digs his nails into his palms and holds his breath and suffocates between the rhythm of Herc’s hips and Alex’s empty wanting eyes.

-

Aaron hears Lafayette sobbing over the sound of the shower. He lets himself in, steps into the spray. 

“Make it stop,” Lafayette wails, scrubbing at the spots on his arm relentlessly. 

Aaron doesn’t know what else to do, so he grabs Lafayette’s hands and crushes him into a kiss.

-

When Alex finally kisses Aaron, the world shatters around him. He sobs into Alex’s chest, undone for the first time, certain nothing will fill the holes in his heart. 

-

Lafayette puts a little pill on his tongue and kisses Aaron, slipping the pill into his mouth. 

Aaron swallows and waits for the world to turn blurry. 

-

All Aaron ever wanted was to feel wanted. All Aaron ever wanted was to belong. 

He feels it now, Alex plastered to his back, Herc’s cock stretching down his throat, Lafayette’s cock in his ass. 

Alex’s slim finger drags against Lafayette’s cock inside him, and the sounds Herc makes are heavenly, and Lafayette mumbles something against Alex’s skin, and Herc’s hand tangles in Alex’s hair. 

There’s nothing between them but sweat and tears and the empty space John should have filled. 

-

They fall asleep all in one bed, and Aaron doesn’t know who’s hands he’s holding, who’s mouth is attached to his collarbone, who’s hand is on his hip.

-

“I miss John.”

“We all do.”

**Author's Note:**

> comments soothe my soul


End file.
